I don't have the answer. I only know that I do it, over and over again, pushing the envelope to see just how much I am capable of doing. People ask me why, and I shrug and answer "I just do." Yes, it is painful and exhausting some days - not to mention time consuming - and yet I don't think for a minute to stop and do something else with my time. I love the way I feel after a workout, the self-satisfaction I feel when I finish a 15 mile run or a 50 mile bike ride. Shoot - I love the way I feel after spin class, pick-up basketball and yoga. It's probably the endorphins and adrenaline. Or knowing that I can eat cookies without gaining 5 pounds :-)
As my training for my upcoming half-iron triathlon is peaking, I have been thinking about taking on a full Ironman triathlon. Alright, alright - I already decided that I am signing up for 2013. It will be taxing, and I expect to hit highs and lows, both mentally and physically. I want it so badly, I have difficulty thinking about anything else. I've even pondered the tattoo - will I get the plain m-dot, or an intricate, meaningful design? Where will I put it? I have never wanted a tattoo until now, and I only want this one. When I am old, I want people to know that once I was strong, that I was determined and capable of so much more than the eye can see.
Why don't I feel this way about my profession? I know my current job is not what I am meant to do, but it is what I studied for and am trained to do - plus I am pretty good at it, when I am not thinking about basketball, swimming, biking, running or nutrition. Why do I not feel the urge to excel in the workplace? I am fortunate to work a t a great company, with good pay, awesome benefits and co-workers I like to be around every day. But yet, something is missing. How do I make the change so that each day is completely fulfilling, not just the hours at home and at the gym?
I've been thinking about it a lot, but I am stuck. Maybe it's fear of change, of starting all over. Deep down, I know what I want, what I am meant to do. I was born to be a teacher and a coach - I know it in every fiber of my being. I have stacks of papers and booklets for a career change, but yet I haven't taken the first step.
I have to make a decision - I have to decide what I want. Do I want to settle for a job that is simply "enough" and financially average, or do I want to make the change, to forge a new path that I know will be financially challenging but rewarding beyond anything I could possibly accomplish athletically?
I know the answer. There can be no settling. I must practice what I preach, lead by example - if you want it, make it happen. I learned this lesson a long time ago, but it has taken 33 years to take action and apply it to all aspects of my days. The time has come for relentless forward progress, one step at a time.
And while I piece the puzzle together, I will run.
